Are you asking the wrong questions?

The better questions you ask, the better your life will get. The better questions at work, the better the performance. The better questions at home, the richer the relationships. The better questions in your own head, the better your mind will be in all that you're doing.

The weaker your questions, the weaker the answers. Again, work, home, and your own mind will suffer at the mercy of bad questions.

Here are a few ways you know you're asking the wrong questions:

1. You already think you know the answer.

When you walk into a conversation with all the answers, it isn't going to be much of a conversation. Your experience, position, and age might given you the "best" ideas, but they aren't the only ideas. And how many times have the "best" ideas ended very poorly?

At the core of a question is a request from one person to another for information. If you're asking a question, but you've already made your conclusion, don't ask the question.

2. You don't want to hear the answer.

Whether it be insecurity, pride, or a need to move quickly, sometimes we'll ask a question out of obligation, but we don't want to hear the response.

The problem with this is simple: people can smell when you're not listening. We've all been in a conversation where we were able to tell the other person was somewhere else. We likely stopped talking or continued knowing that the other person wasn't hearing it.

3. The relationship gets worse.

This is subtle but true. If, in asking questions, the relationship is headed south, you're probably not asking the right questions. There are extremes that live outside of this, but for the most part, the right questions draw people together. If that's not happening, you're likely asking questions that have an undercurrent of anger, disbelief, or arrogance.

So how do we ask great questions? There's a lot to it. Some of it is art. Some of it is science. Here's one simple, practical step to asking great questions:

Answer for yourself: What do I really want out of this conversation?

Most of the time, when we walk into an interaction with someone, we're not sure what we want. Maybe we're angry with a family member and want to express it. Maybe work is a grind and our coworkers aren't helping with critical tasks. Maybe we're just tired.

But when we walk into an interaction, and things go south, we usually don't know what we want in the first place.

When you're clear on what you want, you can ask questions to get to where you're trying to go. When you're clear on what you want, you can tell that to the people you're talking to. When you're clear on what you want, you'll listen to what others have to say.

When you're unclear, you usually just end up emotionally vomitting on someone in a movement of tension.

So, the next time you're asking a question, ask yourself : What do I want... really?

Enjoy this kind of content? Subscribe to Friday at Five: Five thoughts delivered Friday at 5am to help you finish your week well.

“A well educated mind will have more questions than answers.”
- Helen Keller